Airplanes and women
The indispensable B2 sends this along:
Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go.”
4) Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
9) Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good.
Don’t blame me! I’m only a messenger.
Update: FBL, who’s on a bit of a hiatus, demands equal time. Which by the way, is another thing an airplane won’t do 
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they’re all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
17) Airplanes are content with one set of landing gear.
CAPT Lex,
Even the messenger sometimes gets shot, sir. Are you deployed again? Does Mama Lex just pass it off as something she’s heard so many times before?
Subsunk
You, my friend, are a brave brave man.
FBL, who?
CAPT Lex,
This is your blog. You don’t owe equal time to anyone! Don’t sell out the male gender!
O well… Have a great day!
Lex,
why did I *KNOW* FBL would have her say!
Cpl. K.
“Don’t sell out the male gender!”
huh….
I didn’t realize it was for sale.
*throws $1.50 on table*
What a woman says: “I think we need to talk.”
What she means: “You are in so much trouble.”
What she says: “I’m fine, really.”
What she means: “This is really going to hurt. You.”
What she says: “I think you ought to, you know: Permit a small rebuttal. It’d be fair.”
What she means: “Post it, buster.”
Dan my son, you have so very much still to learn
*ROFL*
Re: #10. I have heard a rumor of something called “premature ejection” that does in fact preclude pilot and plane from arriving at the same time. This also tends to markedly decrease the probability of that particular pilot/plane combination from happening in the future.
“And Martians loved Venusians so much that they invented space travel to come visit them” or something along those lines from John Gray.
I humbly submit that the male inability to simply ask the organizationally superior female for directions has lead to the development of timekeeping, shipping, aviation, space flight and our entire modern world.
Stubborn cluelessness–it’s not a bug, it’s a feature!
//sighs, “humpfs” and crossed-arm disapproving body language from exasperated women everywhere…
18) An airplane appreciates being hand-propped.
Considering how my ability to make a whole lot of noise just increased-
…You’ll notice how very quiet I’m being on this…
FbL forgot one:
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened when she brings it.
*duck and cover*
*Cheering for BillT*
Bill and Lex: Three words: Women Security Network
Shipmates,
Hmmm… well, right of the top I’d say that airplanes have yellow sheets. You can check out the maintenance history before you decide to take it for a spin….. And the Maintenance Chief won’t mind answering any questions about past problems, if you catch my drift…
As the 21st Aniversary of the Blessed Nuptials between yours truly and ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’ approaches, I can honestly say that, given the choice between the blond and a glass of single malt, there would be some serious mental machinations taking place… especially if there’s a football game on…
respects to all,
AW1 Tim
Not sure how appropriate this is, but a friend pointed me to it this morning, quite perfectly timed I say!
At a feminist rally — look at the orange sign:
http://www.eldorama.net/archives/feminist-thumb.jpg
And yes, I do have much to learn.
Bill,
I’m not sure your “hand-propped” comment applies to me. I enjoy being hand-propped, hand-prepped, and otherwise fondled.
just sayin…..
Were-kitten,
Having actually hand-propped an airplane, i can assure you that starting the motor in such a fashion might well be exciting for the viewer, or the plane in question, but is still exremely anxious for the “propee”…..
I’d be more than happy to demonstrate the technique, however, should the need for such instruction present itself. sigh ..
I can also instruct on proper approach procedures, and sundry penetration procedures, all NATOPS certified, of course…….
It really all boils down to the type of aircraft and the best way to catch that three-wire….
respects,
AW1 Tim
*extending hat on stick from behind brick wall*
I just watched a great show on the Discovery Channel about how evolution shaped the differences between men and women.
F’r instance, anthropologists are now 100% certain that the reason women have smaller feet than men is to enable them to stand closer to the sink.
*sooooo gonna get killed for that one*
Shipmates,
Yeah, the Bible said that woman was formed from one of man’s ribs… isn’t that a lesser cut of meat????
Okay, I’ll be in the bunker from now on…..
Respects,.
AW1 Tim
BCR had the only really good, witty comment. Of course she reprogrammed my wetware while she had my life processes in cryogenic suspension, so mayb *WHACK! ZAP!* Ow! I’ll be good, Ma’am!
Now, if only all men were like pilots and required to take extensive training before being allowed near the cockpit. And, it would be great if they learned how to fly at night without any instruments. Also, if they could navigate by geography, be able to recognize mountains from vallies, how to handle the joystick, appropriate altitude for certain manouvers, etc
But, here we are, stuck with the guys who think that sitting in a cockpit and playing with the stick, never leaving the ground, makes them qualified to fly airplanes…
*sigh*
Oh yeah, and then those same guys pretend the airplane is flying by making engine noises with their lips (kind of like a few posters here LOL).
*double sigh*
Shipmates,
Yup… that explains why airplanes come with ejection seats and women come with lawyers…..
Respects,
Gwedd
kat – again, I find myself strangely… moved.
Heh…and lawyers know how to keep the pilots grounded.
Man,
You folks are brutal. I’m not touching these comments with a 40 ft pole. This is tempting Fate worse than a Danish reporter announcing a Mohammed cartoon contest in the “outlaw regions of Pakistan”. The response in my house would be only slightly less incendiary than a W88 nuclear device should I post these where “unauthorized eyes” would be able to view them.
Of course, I can take the less valorous way out and merely submerge to periscope depth and watch the explosive ordnance disposal via CCTV. After all, discretion is the better part of Valor.
Wish I knew what idiot said that besides me.
Subsunk
Heh?
My last flight surgeon was a fetching lass with small, delicate hands.
Alas, she was a bit over-solicitous you know. On account of my age.
Took some of the fun out of it. For me.
$1.50? Isn’t that a bit steep?
Both of them were funny, but it sorta pains me to hear this kind of bickering.
I guess I live in a rather sheltered world, but one thing us wimmin and jet engines have in common is that annoying whine…
The most annoying whine I know of is a ‘98 chardonnay from a deservedly-little-known Pennsylvania vineyard.
Chew on a used Ho Chi Minh sandal for a couple of minutes and you’ll get the idea…
LOL! I don’t imbibe alcoholic beverages.
Needs me wits about me, I does.