More callsign fun

Returning to a familiar them, I’ve related in the past how I got my radio callsign, a story that, though it does not redound entirely to my credit, nevertheless is better than some. “Sport” you have already heard about, but there were a couple of guys who went through flight school with me in Meridian with similar names, and who therefore got similar callsigns. The first guy’s last name was “Satterfield,” which was abbreviated to “Slat,” while the second guy’s last name was “Sutterfield,” a name which, when similarly emended, ended up being a little less comfortable to use on the radio.

That was back in the 80′s though, before we’d gotten our collective sneakers hammered by the post-Tailhook ’91 acculturation experience, so while unfortunate, the second callsign was by no means uniquely egregious. In fact when he got to the fleet to fly Tomcats, he was paired with a fellow whose last name was “Znatchko,” and whose callsign ended up being an appropriately euphonious synonym for “grab.”

If you’re not keeping up, you really need to try a little harder, because this is a PG-13 blog and I’m not going to paint you a picture.

Anyway, the pairing of the two meant that “their” jet had both of their callsigns on the canopy rail, which would have been fine, really, in the days before the fairer sex went to sea aboard warships in large numbers, except for the fact that this was also the squadron’s airshow bird. This meant that not only was their (to us) humorous pairing of fore and aft callsigns a matter of private amusement within guarded military installations, but also that the straights got to see what passed for naval entertainment on the civilian airshow circuit – picture: Young children still working through their phonetics sounding it out aloud before being roughly yanked away by their speechless parents.

Now, some of us learn faster than others, and they get to fly Hornets while others have to learn by repetition. This helps explain, I suppose, why certain members of the west coast Tomcat community decided it would be sporting (once again, in a post-Tailhook environment) to cross swords with former Congressman Pattsy Schroeder (D-Colo) – a lady whose enthusiasm for all things military went largely unremarked upon during her illustrious career – staging ribald plays at the O-Club (and then leaving incriminating banners to be discovered by Those Who Are Never Amused afterwards) and even going so far at one point as to faxing unkind and in any case improbable suggestions to the congressman’s office recommending what she might do with herself. From the squadron ready room. Not knowing their gear well enough to realize that, like tracers, faxes point both ways.

In time, sufficient heads of appropriate commanders had rolled around on the deck for an adequate duration as to make even the Tomcat guys come to see the error of their ways (while clearing the path to flag rank for a bunch of other guys along the way).

Which series of events might have cleared the path to this kind of thing, had in fact it ever actually happened:

RMKS/1: THE DEPUTY COMMANDANT FOR AVIATION IS COMMITTED TO AN EFFICIENT AVIATION TRANSITION/CONVERSION (T/C) PROGRAM. THIS JSFADMIN

DIRECTS AND CONVERTS ALL CALL SIGN AWARD PROCESSES TO BE INTEGRATED INTO NEW CALL SIGN AWARD PROCESS [CALLPROPENT] AS JOINT STRIKE FORCE DESIRES TO STREAMLINE AND PROVIDE CONSISTENCY IN CALL SIGN AWARDS FOR ALL US AVIATORS.

RMKS/2: THE ASST JOINT CHIEF OF STAFF COMMISSION HAS DIRECTED ALL CURRENT DEPARTMENTAL COMMANDANTS FOR AVIATION TO COMMIT TO AN EFFICIENT AND INTEGRATED PROCESS TO FACILITATE THE INTERCHANGE OF PROFESSIONAL AND TACTICAL EXPERTISE WITHIN ALL AVIATION GROUPS, AS WELL AS ASSIST HQMC IN BALANCING CULTURAL AND COMMUNICATIVE PROCESS INVENTORIES IN ALL REFERENCED FIGHTER AIRCRAFT COMMUNITIES. RELATED TO/IN WHICH PERSONAL CALLSIGNS ARE AWARDED AND UTILIZED AS SOP REGARDING SHIP TO AIR, AIR TO AIR, GROUND TO AIR, AIR TO SHIP, AIR TO GROUND, AIR TO UNSPECIFIED AND UNSPECIFIED TO AIR COMMUNICATIONS.

RMKS/3: THE ASST JOINT CHIEF OF STAFF COMMISSION AND ASSIGNED DEPUTY AND/OR DEPARTMENTAL COMMANDANTS FOR AVIATION ARE COMMITTED TO AN EFFICIENT CONVERSION OF ALL SUSPECT CALLSIGNS.
1. SUSPECT CALLSIGNS ARE DEFINED AS, BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE EXISTING DEFINITIONS, ANY CALLSIGNS THAT IMPLY GENDER SPECIFIC PROWESS, GASTRONOMICAL EXPERTISE, PHYSICAL IMPAIRMENT OR DYSFUNCTION, SUSPECT FAMILY GENECOLOGY OR HERITAGE /ACTUAL OR ESTIMATED/…
4. IN COMPLIANCE OF RECENT USN TAILHOOK 91 INVESTIGATION, ALL CALLSIGNS THAT ARE DEEMED TO REPRESENT A HOSTILE /NON-WAR CATEGORY OF HOSTILITY/ OR UNCOMFORTABLE WORKING ENVIRONMENT NEEDS COMMITTEE REVIEW.

Which – although it fairly drips with bureaucratic authenticity, I kind of doubt, because Enya? The kid whose callsign I wrote about on the first link at the top?

Pure gold.