B2 sends along a compendium of statements (allegedly) heard aboard US Navy ships – caution for those of tenderer disposition, some of these are pretty salty:
CO to Navigator: “Hey dummy, pay attention! Ships have been running aground here since Noah was a deck seaman.”
CO to Supply Officer: “So, lemme guess — the reason it’s taking so long toget these parts to get here is that they’re made of iron ore mined on the dark side of a mountain in Tora-Bora, by virgin Afghan college graduates, right?”
CO to Supply Officer at breakfast on the day the disbursing audit kicked off: “You know, I had a really BAD dream last night, it involved you and me in prison with a large man named Leroy.”
CO to Communications Officer, after being told the reason the command circuit was down was not the ship’s fault: “COMMO, you’d better get the damn thing working, and soon, or I’m gonna jam the space shuttle up your ass and you’re going up there to fix the satellite yourself. You got me?”
CO to Navigator: “Debrief??!! You want a debrief? I’ll give you a debrief! You suck!
OPS commenting to XO on the assignment of a new division officer to his department: “I don’t need DIVOs, I need useful people.”
XO to OPS: “I just think up the crazy ideas, it’s your job to make’em work!”
Unidentified Ensign to XO, on trying to schedule ship’s drills: “I have no opinion on that, sir. I’m but a urinal cake in the pissing contest between OPS and the Chief Engineer.”
Ensign answering the phone at 0230: “Is this something I really need to get out of bed for, of is this just more of OPS’s bulls**t?”
OPS to nobody in particular: “Leadership is a bunch of guys doing exactly as I say.”
XO to Weapons Officer: “I’m busy. I don’t have time to chew your ass right now. Leave it in my in-box and I’ll get to it later.”
New Ensign, during a visit to Alexandria, Egypt: “You know what’s so amazing about this place? It’s all so foreign.”
XO to CO, while launching a boat to send a couple officers over to the flagship for a conference: – “Well sir, I see that OPS and WEPS are on
their way over…”
CO, “Yeah, there they go: tweedledum and tweedledummer.”
New Ensign to OPS, 3rd day after the ship has been underway: “So, when does this watchbill thingy start?”
Chief Engineer to Chief Boiler technician: – “Chief, I didn’t know we had a magic genie!?!” – “Sir? What magic genie?” – “The one that’s fixing the broken lube oil purifier down in #1 main machinery room, ’cause there sure as hell ain’t nobody else down there doing it!”
OPS to his entire department (at the top of his lungs): “YES! THE XO IS A MORON! BUT IT’S OUR JOB TO MAKE HIM LOOK SMART, AND WE’RE NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB!”
Exchange between CO and junior officer trying to conn the ship alongside an oiler during refueling:
CO: “Come on, son. Make a decision.”
JO: “Ummm, er, ah…”
CO: “Fer Crissakes, it’s either left or right! I’ll give you a hint, the oiler’s over there, on our left.”
JO: “Oh. Er, ‘come left, steer course…”
CO: “Jesus! Gimme that (grabs microphone), ’steady as she goes.’ Sh**, Willy, I think I liked you better when you had your head firmly up your ass.”
CO to XO aboard an east coast ship, when asked if they could have ‘Aloha Fridays’ (knock off work at noon on Friday): “Sure XO, no problem. When it’s noon in Hawaii, then you can leave.”
XO to department heads at morning officer’s call: – XO: “DON’T MAKE ME MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU!!! YOU DON’T WANT ME TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU!!! IF I HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU, I WILL!!!”
OPS: “Sir, you already ARE managing our time for us. It’s seven o’clock in the morning on a Saturday and we’re here at work with nothing to do.”
Ship’s Bosun to Ensign, when asked what he was going to do after retirement: “I’m going to Wyoming and lick buffalo scrotums for a nickel a pop, just so’s I can get my self respect back.”
Update: Apparently a number of these are found at SailorBob – credit where it’s due.
Lex, I can’t belive that sailors would actually talk like that… My, my, what has happened to my Navy!
Well, now, I somehow think that there might be a level of authenticity missing here. Hmmm. What could it be?
Oh yeah. The four letter f-bomb every other word. That’s what it is!
(Had a hard time breaking Husband of that habit once he got off the ship in the way-back years. But I prevailed, as usual.)
WTF u talkin’ about P3?
Pretty tame stuff, but I enjoyed that urine cake analogy. Who hasn’t been there?
There was actually quite a bit of that in the original version I received, but on reflection, it seemed to me that it added very little to the value of the post. It’s one thing to have the eff-bomb ephemerally voiced into the air and then gone – poof! Quite another to have it preserved in pixelated amber, like.
Color me squeamish, that way.
Ah, Lex. I appreciate your watching out for my sensibilities. Doesn’t make you squeamish a bit, just situationally aware with regard to the Internet, what with not knowing who your audience could be and all exactly.
I must say, it’s the one word I won’t say and won’t allow those I live with to use indiscriminately. But that’s just me. I use all the rest really well, I’m told. In multiple combinations, too.
Thoroughly enjoyed this review of some of the efficacious leadership techniques still in use – we used to say after a particularly “rewarding” day in the All Americans: “No thanks, I can’t join you guys for spirits, I’m going down to Bragg Blvd and give a few bl*w-j*bs to regain my self esteem….”
The “Eff” word? What’s the big deal? You learn to filter it out when in unknown company. In the “big green machine” it was so popular that it was placed within words as in: Re-”F”ing-diculas or unbe-”F”ing-lievable. It took my mother to finally brake me of the habit. “Mom? Can you pass the “F”ing butter?” I didn’t see it coming…..She had a wicked left. Well, a boy’s best friend is his Mother.
Cap’n,
May I add one?
CO (CAPT) to JOW (ENS) – That’s right Mister. The pointy end of the boat DOES have to go forward and NOT backward. Now, go to your room.
Actually heard by my very own PO3 ears while standing U/W Roving Patrol watch. Of course, there were other deleted. But then the Captain was shouting at the top of his lungs at the same time.
Oh, BTW, the poor Ensign was a recent Professional School graduate.
Hmmm. I chuckled but this hit a nerve. Something in my past. Every time I ran into a flaming anal oriface, (and we all have worked for one or two along the way), that used sarcasm as a method or substitution for leadership, I made a mental note to NOT to treat my people that way when and if I ever was fortunate to get to that level and no matter what my stress level was at the time. Disrespect is a two way street. Tear ‘em a new one in private, never publicly or in front of their subordinates, but especially don’t ever be disrespectful. It makes you less of a man. Besides your troops get to know when you are really pissed and if you have their personal respect, not just by virtue of your position/rank they don’t want to let you down anyway. Just call me Father Mulcahy.
I’m with you, brother. These are funny only because at our age? We’re past and opening. We’ve all been through the crucible of learning from people we’d *never* want to be. And making sure that when our turn came, we’d do it better.
You learn from all of them, though. Even the butt heads.
You learn what *not* to do.
The sad part is I’ve heard the CO debrief the Navigator just like that………….over the “brick”.
Had a “close encounter of the worst kind” with a CO once, and that was enough for me. Truth be told, I never really sought out the one with any great determination, Whew what fun! Don’t remember the “F” bomb going off, although I’m sure it did, who cared, I thought life as I knew it was about to change for the worst & just wanted it to be over. The Skipper was a mite exercised with my “inattention to detail” and wanted to tell me how passionatly he felt about me not repeating it anytime soon, and for my part I was more than willing to listen, it was the least I could do after all and I really didn’t need to be anywhere else at the time. I do remember, seeing, out of my peripheral vision, his face turning shades of red I’d never seen before, or since. Suffice it to say I was MOST fortunate to get off with a tail chewing after my indescretion and would concurr he was accomplished in that art. That Fella in the green suit following him around the boat with live ammo must’ve been busting a gut on the inside, but never cracked a smile, of course I didn’t really get that good of look @ him, as, I, was, you know, kind of distracted at the time.
I’m reminded of an incident as a squadron JO when I was trying to impress my skipper with newly acquired Navy correspondence course management knowledge.
We were in the cat walk on the bow of the Connie somewhere near Yankee Station after flight quarters watching flying fish. I said something about how the military was changing, becoming more of a knowledge-based business, and how autocratic leadership styles would have to change.
His only comment: “Mister, you gonna have to learn that the military is no place for management.”.
After spending two hours working my a** off to get a cross country flight of 4 solo formation students in T-28s to land on the proper runway at NAS Jax, my debrief consisted of these carefully chosen words, “Gentlemen, if brains were gasoline the four of you combined couldn’t start a pissant’s motorscooter. There will be no liberty tonite!”
Sounds a lot like my CO on the Enterprise, naught one name mentioned…
Good for a chuckle after a long day.
Of course, I can chuckle cuz I didn’t actually have to live through any of it!
1. Ensign to CAG explaining why his CO wasn’t at Eight O’Clocks… “Geez CAG, I thought eight o’clock reports went down at eight o’clock?”
2. Re. CO “debriefs” of the bridge team – when I assumed the watch and was in the process of signing for custody of all manner of bridge gear I noticed with dismay the condition of the hand-held VHF bridge-to-bridge radios. When I remarked on this to the ANAV, without missing a beat she said the previous CO got the OOD’s attention by pitching the radio at him across the bridge…might have been the same CO Skippy referred to above IIRC…
-SJS
While doing a dead stick move to turn the boat from portside to the pier to stbd side to the pier for some long forgotten reason on ustafish, the Guam harbor pilot casts off both tugs leaving said ustafish spinning off the pier CO says in stage whisper to OOD “I’ve seen a monkey f*ck a football a million times, but I’ve never seen it f*cked like this.” Man never minced words.
The harshest thing on my last deployment was the XO (former Enlisted) bursting into the Goat Locker and calling the YNC (who hadn’t been in the office for 3 days) “velcroback” because he was stuck to the sofa.
Brand new JOOW to OOD during a midwatch – he’d joined the ship in the middle of a westpac:
“I can’t wait to get to Hong Kong. I’m gonna go to chinatown cause I go to chinatown in every big city I’ve been to.”
We never let him forget it.
Here’s one from a retired MMCM(SS) buddy of mine, Moose:
JOOD on periscope at scope depth to OOD, “Hey, a penguin just flew by the scope” This was replied with, “You asshole, we’re in the Arctic, there are no penguins, and if there were, they don’t fly”. The control room erupted. The CDO (XO) had to restore order. I sure do miss that stuff.
Good one, butch. Hey, are you back here, or are you still over there?
Not Navy but…best thing I ever heard over the radio.
FT Stewart, GA…1986…we are evaluating a National Guard Infantry brigade and are trying to find the unit’s tactical operations center. They had moved from the old location and we figured we would meet them at the new site (shower opportunity). We knew where they were supposed to go but they were not there (yes, we could all read maps).
Battalion commander (O-)5 gets on the radio and starts asking all of us if we knew where they had gone. Negatives all around. Finally he asks the Intel Officer if he knew where they were.
To the day I day I will remember the response over the radio on the brigade Net….”Lewis and Clark couldn’t find these idiots!!!” BC, who was a spitting image of Bill Cosby laughed so hard I thought I was going to have to give him CPR.
Turns out they had transposed the coordinates and we found them sitting on a trail requesting road clearance to get off post and head out about 45 miles to the “correct” location.
Pixelkiller, interpolating the F-word between innocent syllables of ordinary words is one of the characteristics of what Tom Wolfe called “Army Creole.”
Maybe, here, we should call it “Navy Pidgin”?
I remember a day when we had helos going down right and left for gripes during startup. After about the sixth aircraft change in about two hours I heard our squadron CO ask one of my Plane Captains “Who’s in charge here?”. The PC promptly replied “I thought you were. Sir.”.
CO to XO aboard an east coast ship, when asked if they could have ?
CO to XO aboard an east coast ship, when asked if they could have ‘Aloha Fridays’ (knock off work at noon on Friday): “Sure XO, no problem. When it’s noon in Hawaii, then you can leave.”
I have met, and worked for this CO.
We came back from our deployment, spent 2 weeks refitting and went back to sea to releave another amphib who broke down in the middle of work-ups off the Carolina coast. All leave canceled, no time with the fam, nothing.
He did get his star though, and I like to think I helped. Cause it gives me a warm fuzzy
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