This is why I hung up my spurs:
Subject: Life of a Pilot
22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school. Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.
25 years old: Have 1st kid. Now hot shot fighter jock getting shot at in war. Just want to get back to USA in one piece. Get back to USA as primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored. Volunteer for war again.
29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Wants out of military.
30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.
31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the military poverty feeling.32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and maintenance. Drink lots of booze and screw around while looking for 2nd wife.
33 years old: Furloughed. Join military reserve unit and fly for fun. Repeat above for a few more years.
35 years old: Airline recall. More screwing around but looking forward to a good marriage and settling down.
36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.
37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.
38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again. Wife concerned about “risky” military Reserve flying so you resign commission.
39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small single engine airplane and even flashier cars.
42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker but still wants to share house (100%).
43 years old: Settle with wife #2 and resolve to stay away from women forever. Seek a position as a check Captain for 10% pay override to pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment with window air conditioners.
44 years old: Company resizes and you’re returned to copilot status. 25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.
49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment with central air conditioning.
50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She loves you and says you are very “beeeeg!”
51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house, boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.
52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get vasectomy.
54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she’s pregnant. She says she got sick after taking the pill. Accident; sorry, won’t happen again.
55 years old: Father of triplets.
56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy cars, “worried” about your private flying and wants you to sell twin engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join motorcycle club.
57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for retirement.
59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS. You have to fly 100% International night trips just to keep up with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.
60 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you’re too damned old and no fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You’re forced to retire due to Age 60 rule. No money left.
61 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami Int’l. You have interesting” Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you’ve ever flown DC-3’s.
65 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor. Don’t look forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every god-forsaken town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours sim time at various Brand X Airlines.
70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember goes off at 1:00 AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!
Ain’t aviation great?
Actually, I wouldn’t think that there’s a germ of truth to any of that, except that some buds I used to fly with told me that it was commonly said in the airline pilot ranks that, “if your second wife is a flight attendant, your third won’t be.” Not so much as a joke, you see. Rather as a truism.
(H/T to occn’l reader Tuna)
Still married to the first wife, with two kids, who may be recommended for the army!!
Have a great day!
Kinda reminds one of the old dirty joke specifically aimed at airline types. The punch line reads, “If it flys, floats or_____, its cheaper to RENT.
Dishonorable men old stereotype that isn’t really all that true today except for guys that cheat on their wives regardless of job/profession. Think former NY Governor, etc. No different than your Navy experiences, if wife hangs through the tough times, will hang with you through the airlines. Likewise, I hang with her. Many honorable men in the airlines, like you Lex.
Holds true so far for a contemporary of mine from college – at least through age 49 (‘cept trade the one first child for three).
- SJS
I much prefer the fond memories of another FedEx pilot. They’re at http://tinyurl.com/63wnq8
Please, don’t let anyone think that this was designed to be anything but humorous…
Have a few friends who have lived a similar script. One who is now teaching school to help make the alimony payments. Two that are still sim instructors for Boeing.
Those of us that married women who could keep the household running through all those years of separations and put up with being married to a perpetual adolescent, often wonder how we got so lucky. At least I do.
My wife, on the other hand, has had her moments when she wondered why she ever decided to marry a pilot. But then she thinks about a routine 9-5 husband with everything planned out and plodding. Then she asks, “How dull would that have been?”
50+ years and the adventure continues, albeit quite a lot less adventuresome.
WOW! Sounds like the synopsis from my yet to be published auto-biography. (Except for the reserve flying part-and the ever having money part). Thank God the having more kids part is no longer on the “can do” list.
I second Bill C’s comment.
But I’m not bitter or anything………………
Of late, seems that the only youngin’s entering the biz are trust fund babies from Embry Riddle….
The narrative missed some details about the paycuts, pay freezes, B payscales, gutting of pensions…
And if you think the post ‘79 world has been fun, just wait for the thrills as the inevitable reregulation, and foreign influence as the cabotage rules get changed all settle in.
I’m just glad that the need for lav trucks won’t go away…
Now that is funny…
Wondering if the tears I’m wiping away are from the humor, my recent fleet reduction downgrade (yes at age 44), or missing out on the 25 year old FA and the Danish model…
Living the dream.
Lex,
Gotta change the ref to age 60. All the guys that benefitted from mandatory retirements whined when it was their turn, the union sold the majority of us out, and it was raised to 65. Because, see, if we let a 60 year old retire, we would lose out on all that experience they have.
So far, I’ve watched 2 X 60+ year olds bust captain upgrade. It’s just a matter of time…
Nose, been meaning to ask you, does the “BLND LSO” mean “Blind” or “Blonde”? Just askin’…
Having met Nose, I suspect it’s “Blind.”
Then again, all the [distinguished] gray hair makes it hard to be sure…
On second thought, Definitely “Blind.”
Bland LSO – he leads a boring life. At least that’s what he tells USAA when he’s discussing life insurance.
Just saying’
Yak
Yak, when were you a Slugger?
Heh. Applies to more than fighter jocks. Also to certain I.T. types who never heard of “K.P.I.P” and now have a two year old at 55. Working a contract in one city while wife lives in another. Fortunately not me. Gave up looking for my first wife and married the second. Skipped all that alimony B.S. that comes with the first. Haven’t found anyone worth half (to start) of everything I own to get a third. Double heh. It’ll be 30 this year (how’s that for boring in this day and age?)
Unfortunately I see that scenario played out over and over again. It is also one (of among many) reasons I left the navy after 6. Saw too many good people leave because of endless cruises to nowhere ports during the Carter years and sit because of no money for fuel. Wife writes Dear john, bobby, paul, riley, whatever your name is and its off to ouzo city to ease the pain. Looked like a no ending trap.
So I’m glad that you found your niche above the B.S. that comes with rank rank and didn’t get leavenworth for having your mind override your body’s natural desire to choke the living sh*t out of some *hole that desperately needed it. Like commenters who don’t know when to stop. Oh.
Well. . .that was a ret cold shower on my life plan. Back to the drawing board. . .
… as I lay on my back on the wet ramp scrubbing the greasy belly of a 172, with the Turco and cold water running down into my armpit, and the offer of steady pay, cold brews and hotties at the local Shakey’s still fresh in my ears — thought I to myself, “What? And leave aviation?”
My roomate from college probably got it right.
He did not marry till he was 46. He married a 28 year old Filipina. She’s a nurse. Great looking girl, nice personality, transportable career, and caregiver skills for his older age.
Plus he saved 40% per year of his USAF salary (he served 26 years in the USAF) and did the last seven years of his career in the USAF as a professional crew dog collecting tax free which he bankrolled.
His goal was always to retire NLT than 55. He’s there-his current job is more of a hobby that he can walkaway from at any time.
Even if she divorces him she can’t get any of his retirement………..
Sigh………..
Nose,
I wasn’t. Vidar/Checkmate (VS-22) from May 1978 until July 1981 and Mauler (VS-32) from February 1985 until February 1987.
The Sluggers were one of our missile ferry squadrons in CAG-3 though.
Yak
Well, I think we can see that the flying isn’t the problem, it’s the fornicating. Your mama always told you that that would send you to hell, she just didn’t tell you it would be here on earth. Marriage not withstanding.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when once we practice to conceive.
Humourous? I have nightmares about this!
Financial advice for airline pilots:
1. Keep your first wife.
2. Never marry a hostie.
As an ex hostie – now a middle managment project manager – we are a great prospect as a wife.
1. We know what your job really entails – you are just a bus driver in a flashier bus…
2. You cant bullshit us – we have heard it all from at least 200 people per day.
3. We have had every single pick up line thrown at us and we still picked you!
4. We are pretty and think that personal grooming is essential.
If I had my way I would leave my boring investment banker husband and go back to my gorgeous Swedish pilot boyfriend…now a Captain (Im really proud of him)..
xx
of course you are proud of your “Captain” boyfriend, you weren’t the one that worked to help him through pilot training and all the years of earning hours and being gone while you raised the children…..just to have him leave you for the “hostie” that thought he was hot. Hate to sound like a bitter first wife, but after 27 years, it’s and being called Ken and Barbie for most of them, it’s a bit of a disappointment to get to the good part and have a “hostie” step in to reap the rewards with your husband…or now, ex. The Ex of a Captain
You can avoid all this if you marry a girl from way out west, who loves big bore v-8’s, large caliber handguns, and you. Not to mention children, compound interest and her king size waterbed, with you in it.
Refers to compost as former would be rivals.
Very high octane lassie. Handle with great care. Do not mix with non premium products as lethal explosion will result.
Forty years, wish I could get a guarantee for another forty.
Airdales. Hrmph.