A little UPS humor, courtesy of occasional reader James (“P” is for pilot gripe, “S” is for mechanic sign-off):
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.< P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level..P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick..
S: That's what friction locks are for.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search..P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Good for a smile, anyway.
I’m cackling here on the train and people are staring. Heh, thanks.
Transponder does not work in On Full Force position.
We, no kidding, got briefed out this phenomenon in tech school. the intercom does not work in OFFical mode…
I think the sign off was something to the effect of remove and replace control stick actuator, or found short between headset, or remove and replace flight suit insert, something to that effect.
VIDS/MAF discrepancy: “Right seat relief tube too short.”
Signed off: “A799. Checked good on deck by enlisted man.”
VIDS/MAF discrepancy: “TACAN INOP”
Sign Off: “R & R [for Brad: "removed and replaced"] TACAN. Drop checks good on deck.
During a Woodbadge course the Scoutmaster was a former naval Aviator and we sat around with 3 others of the staff from the course talking about such things. There are a number of others, but those above are a good selection.
C-19-96, “I used to be an Eagle …”
C-21-04, “I used to be a Staffer …”
Which all goes to prove that the troops have always been smarter than us “Zeros”.
Innit why the saying “It takes a college education to break it, and a high school education to fix it.”?
“Ships that go out without officers come back dirty, ships that go out without enlisted don’t come back.”
LOL! That assumes the ship was able to pull away from the pier without the E’s in the first place!
Education and intelligence are not mutually inclusive…
These remind me of my father, who spent 25 years in AF avionic maintenance. With his sense of humor, he probably wrote some of those himself.
Aviation cartoon showed a GA pilot walking out of the maintenance shop with a $600 bill for a PVI adjustment. Manager turns to the wrench jockey who wrote up the bill and asks “What’s the PVI?”
“Pilot’s Vivid Imagination.”
Those MAF jokes are at least 15 years old (by my personal recollection) and yet I still sit here giggling, knowing full well what the next one is, and getting an LOL every time. Classic! Stack this one right next to the “Advice for nuggets” thread…
Had I only a nickel for every for every “Turned OFF switch to ON position”.
Sigh….
My Uncle Howard was a mechanic for NorthWorst Airlines, and he once had to catch a flight to Detroit, because a plane had no radio. Uncle Howard rotated the switch to ON.
I was right out of college at my first job for a major military subcontractor. An incident report came across our desks as a couple guys in my group were in charge of the tracking and data collection at the time, and no kidding, the driver of the aircraft (can’t remember if it was F-15 or F-16) wrote, “Sounds like a little man with a chainsaw is in the engine.” I can’t remember now what the maintainers decided it was, but I will never forget the description.
Was a Avionics tech in the RNZAF, and worked on a couple of flight lines during my time. Never ceased to amaze me how Pilots have “micrometer” eyeballs – they could tell if a stand-by compass was 0.05 of a degree out — not too bad considering that they were only ever marked in 5 degree intervals
s.
We always maintained (maintainers) , that we would never have any issues if we never let the pilots near “our” aircraft.
Damm – wish could remember some of the “classic” entires I came across – but alas memory is going, along with da hair
Gripe: Radar screen flickered when aircraft is inverted in high altitude/high gee maneuvers.
I believed him. I did. After some discussion the Gunny in MX Control asked the AMO just exactly how he thought we should troubleshoot the problem. We finally told them to try to break it completely the next time.
Gripe: On 4 flights over 4 days, Radar fails to work in Pulse Doppler mode.
This one was funny, because we had A-799′d the system every time, and the RIO was mad that we were pencil whipping the MX. He stayed mad until he finally understood that he had been in a different aircraft on every flight and that subsequent flights in the other aircraft had reported functional Radar. At that point it was possible to get him to walk out to the flightline and discuss switchology.
Actually, I think it’s for “Problem” and “Solution”, not that it matters.
The AF had two types of officers – the flight officers and the “paper pushers”. The flight officers knew which side of their bread was buttered. And that it was buttered by enlistees.
I received this list some years ago from a friend in Australia who noted that these were taken from Quantas Airlines repair logs. . .Who know? Still darned entertaining reading!