Some lawyers make our laws. Others try them in court, according to an email a friend of mine – a lawyer, by the way – provided me:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.–
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?–
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.–
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?–
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.–
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh!tting me?–
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting l***.–
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?–
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.–
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.–
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.–
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.–
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.–
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.–
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?–
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
True?
I dunno.
I thought it was funny, though.
I’ve seen these before and they still make me laugh. Sometimes sounds like an Abbott and Costello routine.
My wife has a t-shirt she likes to wear that shows a helicopter with a sling loaded net full of dark suited men. The caption is “In the future, Lawyers will be used to put out forest fires,” and one of the attorneys is saying “If I get out of this alive I’m sueing somebodies a** off!”
Did I mention my wife is a legal secretary?
They are likely as true as the list of aircraft gripes (and the maintenance responses) you posted a while back.
Cheers, Mitch
Having seen aircraft gripes of a similar nature …
yes… I wish I had copies of some of those yellow sheets.
Stuff like “Maine Electrical Load Center light not functioning”
Followed by “Placed the MELC light switch in the “ON” position and light worked as designed.”
I a funny story which, as they say, has the added advantage of being true. This was confirmed to me by other attny friends present at the time as well as by the subject himself:
An Attorney fraternity brother close friend of mine, who was legendary among his contemporaries for the number and quality of women he bedded, even tho married (i.e., all-time classic successful philanderer) and of stunning good looks, and physique (ran a 10.1 100 at age 40 in Sr Olympics) showed up in the “west-bank” Orleans Parish court (the N.O. metro-plex has FOUR courts–Orlens Parish east-bank and west-bank and Jefferson Parish west & east-bank [of the Miss.R] ) one morning during “motion-hour” prior to a trial about begin involving a divorce adultery case. The Judge, recognizing my ex-college room-mate and fraternity brother, said: “Ah, I see we have Mr. D—— here among us this morning. Are you here to make a motion Mr. D, or are you here as an expert witness in the upcoming trial?” LOL SQUARED!!!! All the attnys present roared/snickered and/or much rolling of eyes!
Virg, that there is funny.
In 2004 –
Lawyer: “And how were you notified of this?”
Me: “By e-mail.”
Lawyer: “And how was this e-mail sent?”
Me: “Electronically.”
Lawyer: “So, you received it?”
Me: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And did you sign for its receipt?”
Me: “No.”
Lawyer: “And why not?”
Me: “How often do *you* write on your computer screen?”
You know that labs have stopped using rats to experiment on. They switched to lawyers because the scientists don’t become as emotionally attached to them.
Two other reasons, as well:
- Lawyers are more plentiful than rats
- There are some things even a rat won’t do.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal & tip your waitress.
Nobody likes a lawyer joke more than myself. But since I’ve started hanging around this bunch of Scallywags, I preface all my lawyer jokes with, “No offense intended Mr. Mike Meyers.”
Myers. Sorry Mike.
Question: What is 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean?
Answer: there are two possible answers,
1. A good Start!
2. Serious water pollution.
Choose your favorite.
One of my faves:
An HVAC engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”
“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”
God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Bill K.-
I like your joke better than mine. I’ll shamelessly steal it. I will however tell anyone I tell it to, that I stole it from you.
Paul, steal away, it’s not original with me.
Engineers have been telling that one for years
Thanks to my work doing adoptions, I have the pleasure (?) of dealing with several attorneys on a regular basis.
One day, as we were waiting for our turn in front of the judge, a group of about 5 attorneys exited the judge’s courtroom. My lawyer looked at me and looked back at the group of attorneys and said, “There’s a bad lawyer joke in here somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.” To which I responded, “Is it the joke that’s bad or the lawyer?”
Thank goodness she laughed before she walked away.
Know what the difference is between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Care to chime in Michelle?
No, her husband would get mad at me.
This is the one I like:
Lawyers should never ask a South Carolina backwoods grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘ Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
G-Man,
On the “never ask a question bit” a prominant attny on the “North Shore” of Lake Pontchartrain “across the lake” from New Orleans named Diamond tells the story of a client of his who was accused of biting off a man’s ear in a bar fight. While questioning a witness for the prosecution he asked: “Did you actually see my client bite Mr.****s ear off? Ans: “Well, no, not actually.” “Well then,” replied Diamond confidently, “if you didn’t see my client actually bite the man’s ear off, how can you sit here and testify that he did? The witness grew a big, sly smile, and said: “Because I saw him spit it out!” LOL! Apocryphal, I’m sure, but makes a great story…
Not a joke, but a comment on our “younger generation.” My wife was reading over a brief and asked the young associate, “Are we really going to quote a Wikepedia article as a defense?” The attorney said, “Sure, what’s wrong with that?” Wife said, “Well, are you going to go in and rewrite the article to more closely prove our point?” Attorney got the message.
Yep AW1Tim. The old A799 VIDS/MAF code. We wern’t allowed to use it. Our CO said it was disrespectful to an officer. That was before one of his LTJGs had us haul a helo out to the flight line that didn’t have any engines.
Color me a bit pissed off…cute, cheep, predictable shots at the last un PC group safe enough to sh*t on… a specialty around here…”don’t blame me a Lawyer friend sent them “…
…nothing new here…I’ve heard most of these tiresome jokes before…I guess it provides some here comfort, however small, to jump on the band-wagon and contribute to this yawn inducing lamenesss…
…after all everybody knows that Lawyers/Attorneys are truly the bottom feeding scum-bags that we all have come to know and really love to hate right?
…well yes…except, of course, my good friend and long time Attorney (incert applicable name here), who helped me start my business, buy/sell my home, draw up and/or enforce a contract, settle a dispute, keep me square with the Feds and the State, settle my Moms/Dads Estate, handeled my citizenship…and the adoption of my oldest Daughter… ect ect… he’s/she’s different from those guys…
…well no he’s/she’s not…its those other guys, if they exist at all, other than in the fevered brains of the cheap shot crowd, who are different from him/her. Best
Hell Snake, we all know that–lighten up! Half my friends and fraternity brothers are attorneys. I get all my best lawyer jokes from them–same way I get all my best “dumb blond” jokes from blonds..
I still say 99% give the other 1% a bad name
VX, I don’t buy into this voluntary self deprecating… folderol/BS at all.
Its just an aw shucks…Im just one of the guys/gals, kick the dirt poseurs gambit indulged in by some such as…to use your exmples, lawyers …who know they’re smarter than you…in your case not that much of a reach…and blonds… who also know they’re smart as hell and drop dead georgous to boot…the gambit clearly worked on your over the hill, old fart, Zoomie butt…I rest my case. ICSFTH…Best.
PS, QM, Cloying smiley face thingy notwithstanding…this calumny shall not stand…I shall seek you out and deliver to you the sound thrashing that you so richly deserve.
Cloying? Cloying, you say?
Nay, ye shall not seek me out, I shall be waiting to receive you.
*tossing IBA and assorted files around the hootch*
…popcorn, popcorn, popcorn — where the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed blazes did I leave the popcorn?
Well, I see you’re clearly off your meds, Snake. What made you think I was ever under any illusions about the intelligence of either lawyers or “drop-dead georgous blonds?” Perhaps you need a refresher course in critical reading. The intelligence of these groups is/was not in doubt by me–so no gambit “successfully” played. I thought we were all in the same game here. Grow up, Snake. I’ve only once told a lawyer “joke” here myself (as opposed to the two true stories related above) and that was told me by the college room-mate and fraternity brother friend of mine featured above@2:46pm. As for intelligence? Surely you jest. I don’t think you want to try matching either recorded IQ scores, SATs, GPA’s, or advanced degrees with me any-time soon, Snake. Doubt you’re even qualified to lug around my footnotes, if it comes to that..let alone join the main-event academic jousts. I come here for fun, not to display my IQ. I’m sorry if your intellectual and professional insecurities plague you–just don’t drag me or discussions here into your personal fever-swamp of mental anguish and jealousies. OK? I’ve tried to play nice and ignore the snide, personalized snark, but there is a limit to everything–so cut the crap. I can’t help it if your intellectual lance is defective and a few feet shy of truly substantive effectiveness. YOU’VE got the problem, not me.
(And as usual, you are wrong on all the other facts as well–I’m NOT over the hill–crossed that a long time ago. I’m now well over the MOUNTAIN!)
PS: And cut the insincere “Best” crap too, while you’re at it…I don’t know about you, but I LIKE contact sports…
VX, let me know how it is on the other side of the mountain, I’m coming up on the ridge.
Regards,
Serious Note: Got home late from work last night (drat those capitalists!) and quickly perused the Net. Except: this site, at which I spent an hour. IMO the most intelligent, varied, wide-ranging, erudite, educated, challenging, open/honest group that I know of. Bar none. Possibly may say something about me, but, if so, so be it.
As I have said before, if the blog stopped tomorrow (right after the book was published) I know that I would be better for having stumbled upon it since it has been educational, fun, amusing, interesting, occasionally a cause of some angst and humbling, and rewarding.
Sometimes I will read a post and just shake my head and say “gosh darn”. I like to think that I am reasonably well educated and reasonably well read, but, “gosh darn”.
Domo arigato to the host and the Lexxites.
VX, Get a grip on yourself…I thought we were having a little fun here …apparently QM also thought so …I did end my comments with a seldom used … ICSFTH,(incert cloying smiley face thingie here) to further make the point that I was kidding…as for how bright you say you are…I’ve always maintained that that self praise is no praise…I’ll leave your self proclaimed brightness for others to evaluate… to date no one has come forward.
I might also suggest to you that late night/early morning alcohol/drug induced rantings/comments for all to see do not help your cause. Best
QM, Sabers at dawn…my second will contact your second
I’d have to write my own book of all the things I’ve learned since I started perusing the eclectica on Lex. And I’ve enjoyed the wit, the brilliance, and the no-crap real quality of the contributors. Who knows? Maybe life will eventually be divided into “Before Lex” and “After Lex.” (That ought to make him feel good) And I have my own lawyer joke to contribute (see below) brought home to me by my 10 year old daughter from school, who immediately after I was done laughing said, “Mom, what’s a lawyer?”)
Are you really over the mountain VX? Darn!!
LOL,Daisey! Yes, I’m not only “over the mountain metaphorically, but “officially” as well. You see, in New Orleans, there is an athletic club of mostly young, post-college ex-HS & college athletes who compete in somewhat of a college inter-mural set up with league play in all sports–flag football, Basketball, track, etc.,–a bunch of fairly serious ex-jocks, actually. It’s name is the “OTMAC” (Over The Mountain Athletic Club). Have sweatshirts with outline of Mt. Everest w. logo underneath–the whole bit. LOL. Of course as I’m now REALLY “over the mountain” at age 66 this May, I have long since stopped competing in what is really a pretty competitive athletic league, for young ex-jocks, but having once been a dues-paying member in good standing, I can honestly say that I’ve long been truly, officially, certified as qualified for “over the mountain” status. LOL!!!
Sounds like the BOMGA group at Oceana-Bitching Old Men’s Golfing Association.
Told to me in an elevator going to visit my soon to be Ex wife’s lawyer, in uniform downtown Sandy Eggo, by a group of lawyers who thought I looked depressed, and wanted me to lighten up before visiting the lawyer (really good advice actually)
What do lawyers and Sperm have in common?
They both have a 1 in 10 million chance of becoming a human being some day…
Q: Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
And PC or not, every profession takes its share of good-natured dissing. The more money the profession generates, the more the dissing. You should hear the jokes about psychologists. *sigh*
Pretty messed up when you don’t have a sense of humor, Snake. Given that I’ve seen you take a few shots yourself in here reminds me about those glass houses a lot of people live in. Don’t forget your pots either, Snake.
Lighten up, it’s all in good fun.
Suggest you read my reply @ 8.01 AM. Best
So NOW you play nicey nicey. Don’t worry, Snake-ain’t not proclaiming myself smart at all–just a few carvings on the Totem Pole above YOU–can’t get any lower to the ground than snakes, right?
—-Or those who scurry around trying to eat ‘em–as the case may be..
Not being in the habit, by inclination, upbringing and training, of spilling my guts and babbling on incessantly, at the slightest provocation, to all and sundry about myself… I shall limit my response to your addled silliness to the following…
…Never… ever get into a pissing contest with a snake,a bore, a bully, a lout or a drunk…you are unfortunately, a rare and toxic combination of all five…you have my sympathies…
Sleep well with the knowledge that I shall have no further truck with your sorry ass. Out
Does this mean no more Mr. nice guy? Say it ain’t so..